Since High school, I had a dream to become an actor. I joined a drama class when I was in High school and got a chance to be a member in a professional theater company, where I found that I have no talent in acting. Even though I might look creative, emotional among most of people, I am NOT that kind of talented among actors. Staying in the theater company, I were not happy. My performance is not special or outstanding than others. I got a lot of drama training classes, but I had few chance to act. Most of time, I will be the assistant director, sound controller, or any other jobs besides actor. I appreciated my chance to acting, meanwhile I feel that I am not that good in acting. Acting is a dream, I accomplished it and know it's not my way. Studying in an University of Education is the most interesting decision I have made. The further I am away from my university, the more wondering I am- why I was there. When picking up the college, I excluded all the schools which double the Math scores, and excludes schools which choose Literature as major. So I came here. I thought I might be great to accomplish my little girl's dream - to be a teacher-, and I still have English as my advantage to find a join the future if I don't want to be a teacher. At first, I hated the inactive atmosphere in the school. But I gradually love the people here- they are kind, generous and easy going. They do help each other all the time and they are not tricky. However I am not sure whether should I be a teacher. Yes, I did want to be teacher when I was little girl. Also I thought it's great to teach people and help kids. But I am afraid of the no-wonder future. Sometimes, I am not that happy to be a teacher. It's the hesitation makes me failed in the teacher's exams. Finally, I went back the way which I think is really my way- International Business. I know I am a good sales when I was little girl. I know I am good at making business. I know how to communicate with other, stand their position and feel their needs. Also I am good convincing other in things, which sometimes I am not even sure. It's a bad habit to be a teacher because I might teach the student wrong thing but it's good to be a sales to get customers. I love new cultures around the world, and make new friends around the world. That's the reason I came to International Business World. I do think it's the right places for me. Most of the mornings, I feel happy and excited to go to work. I am so pleased and honored to have the chance to talk or work with the people around the world. Each people does has its happy. New Yorker is not so selfish and cold as I thought; London people sometimes like jokes, too. Most of the German doesn't like to say a lot. They always answer my within ten words. What even more, I can earn trust from them. In the business world, I face a changing and challenging environment, which I am not afraid but like. When I earn money and solving problems, the instant reward also makes me confident. I am getting my confidence in the business world. I did it great and I want to do it better. Previously, I thought business is a world with a lot of dirty tricks so I didn't want to be a part of it. But so far, I make the business in the way I like. The business is a trick but not necessary a dirty one. I feel the clients' need and satisfy what they need. They are happy for getting things done and gave us reward. Helping other and earning money at the same time; the business world is more fascinating than I thought. Therefore I am here and decide to go further in the area. It's not an easy decision for me. I hate Math. If possible, I hope I will never see Math again. It took me a lot of courage to face what I am afraid. I deiced to overcome it or go on a way where I am talented and happy. The people around me are another reason makes me afraid. I am not a born rich. No one around me ever thought to study in business. My dad and mom want me to have a permanent job in government or as a teacher especially after the recession. My friends around me are working in the government, teaching a school ...all of them praise for the permanent and stable jobs. That's what the happiness , a guaranteed future. In the dynamic business world, I am afraid, too. I am afraid that I am get fired during my forties and be jobless. I am afraid that I invest a lot in the MBA and still find no jobs after it. I am afraid. Without support from others, I am getting more afraid. But that's the job which gives me power and makes me happy and confident. So I decide to stick on my way in Business.
為了要申請MBA，看了不少書，也花了8000請人家改，也馬不停蹄的問了許多人，不過在專家眼裡，我好像寫了太多學生時代的自己，太少社會後的自己，專家就是專家，真的是能藉著問我問題，來了解我是什麼樣的人，他們的一些了解，連我自己都很意外有這種特質，專家的缺點就是，好貴喔~~~不過如果能用錢解決的，應該都可以算小事，而且如果現在花五萬，可以拿到50萬獎學金，那應該也是值得吧，其實我是MBA條路上的新人，只能用錢來堆積這一切，好痛~~
他說MBA要的不是PERFECT，而且UNIQUE& POTENTIAL，說實話我不知道我是不是，不過他們在跟我講過話看過我資料後覺得我是，我也決定要怎這條路了，那麼就姑且相信，我真的是好了，除了相信，我似乎也沒有其他路可以走了。
他們需要更了解我，所以要我寫幾篇關於自己的文章，就像是跟朋友講一樣，所以現在我要先跟朋友一樣，來講我這個人，MBA的路，還真是一段自我了解的路呀!!
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| 人類進化史 |
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| 無意中發現的洋房 |
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| 風獅爺與機車的我 |
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才興高采烈的想要發表GMAT分享文，自以為考的很高分申請什麼都沒有問題不到兩個禮拜，連分享文都還差結尾段，我又陷入沮喪當中了
正在自以為：「很高分、很早準備，全部申請應該來得及，真是贏在起跑點」沒想到我根本太晚準備，來不及參加round 1，所以東西都不知道怎麼開始，來不及好好認識所有學校，round 1的截止日節節逼近，我卻有一堆活動，搞的自己現在分身乏術，裡外不是人。我的入學essay一篇都還沒寫，截止日是在10/20，後天有線上專訪，但是還是無法動筆。
身邊資源很有限是我無法動筆的原因之ㄧ，真的是沒有要好的朋友是出國留學，真的身邊沒有人唸MBA，真的不知道要申請top 20 MBA要怎麼下手，每天看網路上的討論，我有一堆問題，不知道從哪問起，我在想自己是不是痴人說夢話，還top 20勒!
而且看每一間學校光申請費就是USD 175~USD 250、兩年的學費是USD 150000~USD 170000起、請人修改essay 就差不多USD150/1000字內(申請不同學校，字一定破萬)、就連申請個成績單，都要USD 17~23......錢錢錢，看到這一堆錢，我真的不自覺的抖了起來，尤其媽媽最近店裡生意很差，幾乎是沒薪水，我內心真的是..........天啊！我是不是真的沒那個屁股又要吃那個瀉藥！還沒工作我就先欠下了一個房子的債。
跟老闆娘說我要出國唸書，沒想到是這麼難的事，她一聽到我要離開公司，竟然就開始沉默，一直到我說我還在申請而已，還沒確定上，她才忽然高昂了起來，為什麼我有一種她希望我最好不上的感覺，而且我很無情，她都對我這麼好了，我竟然還要棄他而走.....唉.我還要他幫我寫推薦函呀 >"<
真的考完試要申請了，才發現很多現實的事情，開始要面對，爸媽擔心我出去就不會回來，擔心他們以後連要見我一面都很難，雖然我信誓旦旦的說我一定會回來；要早reder一年出去，雖然我表面覺得我們各自有追求各自夢想的自由，認定不應該現在犧牲，以後卻不甘、不願、或失去自我；要離開熟悉的一切跟國家，雖然我一付勇敢地毅然決然地前進.........
但是，天知道我有多害怕，越接越那一步我越害怕，害怕我無法去好學校、害怕我申請不了獎學金根本沒錢唸書、害怕我找不到更好的工作，這兩年根本浪費錢、害怕我根本後來無法回來我最愛的台灣奉獻所學、害怕我跟reder就這麼走向終點，我真的很害怕，越接近申請，我越高興不起來，一想到申請的孤單無援，一想到未來可能有的問題，我真的不知道自己為什麼要讓自己陷入現在這個窘境，我究竟在堅持些什麼？
今天跟千惠聊天，提到她以前超討厭我，因為我總是愛遲到，總是愛說些傻話，我問她說傻話是什麼意思，她說：「傻話是讓我覺得，哪有這樣容易阿，說的太簡單了吧‧」我真的是有這個毛病，總是把事情想的過度簡化，明明我要花20分鐘才能出門，我卻硬是覺得自己5分鐘內就可以刷牙洗臉玩出發，所以總是賴到最後一刻，所以每次都遲到。不願意面對可能有的困難跟失敗，自己騙自己，自以為的依常理推斷，我理所當然的會有錢可以出國、我ㄧ定會申請到好學校、我跟reder一定禁得起距離考驗... ，現在我真的對自己的理所當然，不合乎常理的樂觀生氣，我到底哪來的自信，我要怎麼麼面對當這些都不如我所願，我現在連個備案都沒有!!!!
今天在找資料時看到每一個申請上頂尖學校的人，大家的資歷跟能力，真的不是我這個小到不行的小蝦米可以比的，toefl 105 up是必須、GMAT 730 up是常態、GPA 3以上一定要、名校名公司、有龐大的人際網、顯赫的履歷、厚厚的荷包、豐富的經驗跟成就，我到底哪來的自信自己可以申請上呀；原本以為自己帶職一次就考740(滿分800)很了不起，結果就看到網路上有人po分享文，一戰、帶職、甚至沒補習就考了770，甚至連作文都滿分6 (我4.5)，連他都只是謙虛的分享，我到底有什麼好自傲，還跟人家分享勒；看到大學同學跟男朋友開心的去歐洲完一個月的照片，在英國、德國、法國、蘇格蘭四處甜蜜的留影，接著邁向高考的公職的美好人生，為什麼我要讓自己面對這一堆不確定?
在我這個自己的生活了，不斷奔波、不斷等待，這個階段的結束只代表另一個階段的開始，這個階段完成也不能雀躍，因為下一個關也還不知道能不能過，在這個階段，卻盼著下一個階段的成果，究竟我什麼時候才能真正享受到我所謂的美好結果？究竟什麼時候我才不用這樣擔心害怕？究竟什麼時候我的生活什麼時候才能安定？
在我口中說出「安定」這個字眼好像很好笑，但是面對不確定的未來，真的，我也是渴望那麼一些確定感，不要一直為了未來很害怕，為了可能有成就的自己不安。如果換了個心情的我，或許會對自己說：「人生就是這樣不斷前進呀，這不是你所想要的嗎？不斷進步的人生，為了夢想而追尋的人生。」"there will be a miracle when you believe it"...這些道理我都知道。但是有些道理，看起來很簡單，但是有更多害怕，一點道理也不需要。
